The last two days have been terrible. Obviously Tuesday was bad because I got a heavy dose of reality that, as it turns out, I was just not ready for. Yes, I knew at some point I’d have to take my ovaries out, but the whole breast thing has really thrown me for a loop. I just CAN’T wrap my head around it.
The way I see it my choices are this:
Leave my breasts alone. Lucky for me I have to get regular checkups anyhow so they are being closely monitored for any subtle changes all the time. So that’s good. I can take my chances and hope for the best. That’s one scenario.
The problem with that scenario is that then my mind goes to the next scenario. A bad scenario. It’s one where the cancer comes back and I lose my breasts anyway. Then the cancer that came back is way worse than before and I die. And it’s all my fault because I just couldn’t let go of my breasts because I am a vain person I guess. I know that seems drastic, the whole death scenario, but let’s get real: people do die from this disease. I may not be so lucky if it comes back a second time. If it does, it’s basically all my fault. I don’t know if I could live with knowing that I could have prevented the worst if only I was braver and could just chop off my breasts and get on with things. I guess I’m not so brave after all.
Maybe the cancer never comes back. Maybe that was it. Maybe once was enough. Then again with a family history, with having had cancer once already, and with the BRCA2 mutation the odds aren’t exactly in my favor. I feel like I’m playing with my life but part of my life involves wanting to feel like me and to hold on to as much of me as possible. That means my breasts, too.
I don’t want to do it. I just don’t. I don’t want to. I don’t know what to do. Yesterday I didn’t even leave my apartment. I know, I know… I’m sure things will start to work themselves out. Right now I just feel stuck. I feel like I’m supposed to be making a decision immediately but every path I look down ends somewhere I don’t want to be, and that’s me without my real breasts. I hate it. I hate even thinking about it. I’m trying to be as brave and strong as I can but I don’t feel that way at all. I’m sure nobody wants to read this. Who wants to read about somebody being so sad and depressed about something? Oh well. I don’t really know what else to say. I just know that this blog has always been my escape. It’s always been my place to process what is going on with me.
I hate cancer. I just really hate it.