Up down (up down up down up down)
I just got off the phone with the very nice lady at Sloan-Kettering. I called her because I wanted to know what would happen if say… I went in for a consultation with this surgeon on Wednesday and maybe we didn’t click. Would I be able to speak to another surgeon instead? It seemed like the answer was no. This reduced me to tears in a matter of seconds. My frustration with this situation is always bubbling just below the surface and so any minor setback feels like the worst thing on earth. Like the universe is conspiring against me, which, I might add, I am not certain it is not.
I honestly have no idea what the moral of the story was. Something about how if I felt that I was not going to gel with this guy then she could cancel my consultation with me and schedule me with somebody else who I thought I might better connect with based on their online bios. The thing is, I need a face to face meeting with someone before I know if we connect or not. I don’t think it’s unreasonable in a situation like this where you have to make such an incredibly difficult decision to want to speak to as many people as it takes to find someone you trust. Someone who you think is on the same page as you. What I also wasn’t understanding is that this guy would be doing the removal, not the reconstruction of my breasts. See, that’s an entirely different surgeon altogether. Once that sank in I asked to have a consultation with a surgeon. I was given the number of one person but decided to just go online, check out the bios (and do a little Googling), and then call the surgeons office myself.
I found one plastic surgeon on the site who seemed like maybe he will be a good fit. I have no idea. My head is just swimming from all of the questions going through my mind. It’s so awful. I did, however, get a consultation set up with a plastic surgeon as well but that’s two weeks from now.
I feel like this is such a huge deal that I should talk to EVERY plastic surgeon who works on the team at Sloan-Kettering so that I KNOW I’ve seen everyone and can make a decision that is right for me. I’m scared of just seeing these two people and then feeling like there is somebody out there who might be even more perfect for me to see. That’s not to say that both of these men aren’t reputable in their own rights, but this is my LIFE we’re talking about here. This is the way I will see myself for the rest of my life. It’s my self-confidence, my femininity, my sense of who I am that we’re talking about. Yes, I know that my breasts don’t define me, but I’ll be damned if they don’t make me feel somewhat feminine. I want to make sure that I’m in the best hands possible.
Oh well. I guess I should be glad that I at least have these two appointments so I can get the ball rolling. I’ll try and focus on that. In all honesty it doesn’t make me feel any better at all. I will always hate having to go through this. I will always hate having to do this. I will always wonder if I really do have to go through this at all and if maybe I could have been one of the lucky ones.